The wedding has ended.  The honeymoon is over and I am preparing to go back to work as an educator.  I am grateful to all of my family, but mostly to my friends who took the time out of their lives and the money out of their bank accounts to make the trip.  Most of them are teachers like me and get paid shit,  so to spend a cool $500 on my wedding in Vermont was greatly appreciated.

I will spare you the details by not showing you the wedding pictures or the honeymoon photos, but I must tell you this:

I was scared shitless.

During the entire wedding planning process I maintained my cool.  When my wife, Chelsea, was losing her mind, I detached myself from all the strain and stress in my life.  On the week of the wedding, when Chelsea was on the verge of turning into "Bride-zilla," I found a Buddhist Zen-like center point, where nothing could hurt me.  It was like I had isolated all of my positive energy.

But, on the morning of my wedding, I couldn't stop shaking.  Three hours before the ceremony, I passed out and slept for 2 hours.  I woke up and started pacing the room, rubbing my hands and sweating.  I heard somewhere that roles can reverse on the day of the wedding; the groom loses it while the bride calms down, and this was clearly the case.  I drank four glasses of champagne and had five swigs of whiskey, but was still petrified by a lingering nightmare I had during the nap.

I couldn't stop thinking about Miko Hughes.

Probably because the only other thing that has scared me this much, at least when my life wasn't in danger, was Miko Hughes - a child actor who grew up in front of the camera lens, and landed a ton of roles in big Hollywood films.  But the one that really got me was when he played Gage in Pet Semetary.  In the film, Gage gets fatally hit by a truck, and his weeping father buries him in a pet cemetery on an Indian reservation, even though a wise old man warned him.  Miko is resurrected as "Evil-Gage," and becomes hell-bent on killing everyone and everything in his path.

I saw this movie when I was a kid and, even though the movie is not necessarily scary, it was Miko's performance that fucked me up.  Miko Hughes could, and I bet still can, turn his cute, cuddly chipmunk-face into a twisted and disgusting grimace of pure hate and evil.  I remember having to turn off the movie because I just couldn't handle him.  The only other time that has happened was during David Lynch's Eraserhead.

What fucking motivation does a four-year old tap into to make that face?  While carrying a syringe? What did the director say to him?  What the fuck?  Those faces just scared the piss out of me for some reason.  Now, I have never seen Ricky Schroeder or an Olsen twin twist their faces into the image of a demon, which in my opinion, makes Miko Hughes the greatest child actor of all time!

Next time I saw him, he hid in a boiler and killed Freddy Krueger in New Nightmare!

So, congratulations, Miko Hughes.  You have not only scarred me for life, but you are now also completely attached to my wedding day in memory and spirit.

Written by Anonymous Groom
in the July 2008 blog entitiled
"A Shite State of Affairs"